DOH Offers Free Chemotherapy For People Who Read Facebook Comments Section
MANILA, Philippines - The Department of Health will offer free chemotherapy for Filipino social media users who read Facebook comments section, Secretary Paulyn Jean Rosell-Ubial said Friday.
This is after a cancer epidemic has stricken the social media world of the Philippines.
Filipino social media users have reported an increase in cancer symptoms after participating in giving their opinions on current events through the social media accounts of ABS-CBN, GMANews, Inquirer, Rappler, and others.
These users reported getting the symptoms after giving logical explanations to Duterte fans, who refused to listen to them and instead, called them "bias" and "yellowtard".
Broken families
In a copy-pasted interview with an anonymous social media user, he revealed the story of how he contacted the deadly disease.
"My Grandfather smoked his whole life. I was about 10 years old when my mother said to him, 'If you ever want to see your grandchildren graduate, you have to stop immediately.'. Tears welled up in his eyes when he realized what exactly was at stake," said the user.
According to our interviewee, his grandfather gave up smoking immediately. Unfortunately, three years later his grandfather died of lung cancer.
"It was really sad and destroyed me. My mother said to me- 'Don't ever smoke. Please don't put your family through what your Grandfather put us through.' I agreed. At 28, I have never touched a cigarette. I must say, I feel a very slight sense of regret for never having done it, because the social media comments from the Duterte fan groups gave me cancer anyway."
Leading cause
Facebook cancer has toppled breast cancer, lung cancer, and liver cancer as the most common cancer in the Philippines today.
According to Philippine Cancer Society, a non-profit corporation comprised of doctors and volunteers, the introduction of "Free FB" has created an avenue for the cancer cells to propagate.
"The Facebook cancer cells have become immune to new treatment. We are currently researching on possible solutions to mitigate this new crisis," said the group in a press release. "One such solution we are currently proposing is the removal of Free FB."
Globe and Smart, the duopoly of telecommunications in the Philippines, currently offer free access to Facebook which has resulted in a surge of free users who don't actually read news articles but just reacts solely on the headline.
Duterte gov't's solution
DOH Sec. Rosell-Ubial hopes that the free chemotherapy from DOH will combat what Dr. Jose Rizal, the Philippine National Hero, wrote as the "cancer of society".
"This chemotherapy will be available in every Barangay Health Center. We thank our Supreme Leader Duterte for giving us enough funds to combat Facebook cancer."
The DOH secretary also warned people about going into the Facebook pages of news sites, which the department marked as hot spots of cancer.
"Facebook cancer can be contracted just by reading the comments. It has also been reported that it is sexually transmitted. Be sure to wear condoms when having sex with Duterte fans," said the secretary. - TheFilipinoGarlic, 2016
This is after a cancer epidemic has stricken the social media world of the Philippines.
Filipino social media users have reported an increase in cancer symptoms after participating in giving their opinions on current events through the social media accounts of ABS-CBN, GMANews, Inquirer, Rappler, and others.
These users reported getting the symptoms after giving logical explanations to Duterte fans, who refused to listen to them and instead, called them "bias" and "yellowtard".
Broken families
In a copy-pasted interview with an anonymous social media user, he revealed the story of how he contacted the deadly disease.
"My Grandfather smoked his whole life. I was about 10 years old when my mother said to him, 'If you ever want to see your grandchildren graduate, you have to stop immediately.'. Tears welled up in his eyes when he realized what exactly was at stake," said the user.
According to our interviewee, his grandfather gave up smoking immediately. Unfortunately, three years later his grandfather died of lung cancer.
"It was really sad and destroyed me. My mother said to me- 'Don't ever smoke. Please don't put your family through what your Grandfather put us through.' I agreed. At 28, I have never touched a cigarette. I must say, I feel a very slight sense of regret for never having done it, because the social media comments from the Duterte fan groups gave me cancer anyway."
Leading cause
Facebook cancer has toppled breast cancer, lung cancer, and liver cancer as the most common cancer in the Philippines today.
According to Philippine Cancer Society, a non-profit corporation comprised of doctors and volunteers, the introduction of "Free FB" has created an avenue for the cancer cells to propagate.
"The Facebook cancer cells have become immune to new treatment. We are currently researching on possible solutions to mitigate this new crisis," said the group in a press release. "One such solution we are currently proposing is the removal of Free FB."
Globe and Smart, the duopoly of telecommunications in the Philippines, currently offer free access to Facebook which has resulted in a surge of free users who don't actually read news articles but just reacts solely on the headline.
Duterte gov't's solution
DOH Sec. Rosell-Ubial hopes that the free chemotherapy from DOH will combat what Dr. Jose Rizal, the Philippine National Hero, wrote as the "cancer of society".
"This chemotherapy will be available in every Barangay Health Center. We thank our Supreme Leader Duterte for giving us enough funds to combat Facebook cancer."
The DOH secretary also warned people about going into the Facebook pages of news sites, which the department marked as hot spots of cancer.
"Facebook cancer can be contracted just by reading the comments. It has also been reported that it is sexually transmitted. Be sure to wear condoms when having sex with Duterte fans," said the secretary. - TheFilipinoGarlic, 2016
This article is obviously a satire.
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